Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

            Outside, I folded the towel to use as padding under my knees, got down, and started scrubbing. I didn’t know whether to acknowledge the surge of happiness coursing through my body or to re-establish the levels of anxiety and desperation that had defined my central nervous system over the last few days.

            What would I need if I had read those letters? What would I be feeling? Would I want some kind of balls-out confession, or would I want, as Anne seemed to, to be left alone?

            Years of co-habitation with a lawyer had taught me that you could often find clarity to a problem by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. But try as I might, I couldn’t imagine Anne cheating on me. It was unfair and probably naïve and not a little bit condescending, but my mind wouldn’t let me go there. Every time I made a small advance in the scenario in my head, there was something there to stop me. Where would she find the time, for one? And it would have to be someone outside of our social circle. But Anne didn’t go gallivanting around photography exhibits all day. She worked.

            I scrubbed extra hard in circles around the donkey’s tail. Anne was a defense attorney, used to dealing with men who lied. The fact that I couldn’t imagine her cheating on me meant that I didn’t want to, because I couldn’t handle it if she did. I scrubbed and scrubbed, each push of my hand accompanied by a self-defacing mantra. Can’t take his own medicine. Tit for tat.

Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

Before that, during University, I fell in with a local chap named “Moose” whose thing was reverse graffiti: at night, he’d sneak into the city’s tunnels and passageways where he’d use a high-pressure washer to clean away the grime and muck in order to reveal his designs. He’s had a bit of success now, and gone the other way. Last I heard of him, he was going to reverse graffiti a giant swoosh for Nike on the back of the South Bank Centre building for the “Best of the Best” advertising awards conference.

Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

Just before I reached the golf course by their house, I saw a dead rabbit on the side of the road. I spent the remaining three minutes of the drive deciding that there were lots of bunnies hopping around the green, lots of opportunities for passing cars to kill them, and that I shouldn’t take the creature’s demise as a sign that I, too, was minutes away from having my organs crushed.

Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

            The very first photo was a Haddon/Bourigeaud montage. We hadn’t had a professional photographer at the wedding, and we’d forgotten to take one of our two families with the happy bride and groom. Inès was the first one to realize this, and she was also the least hungover, so she forced us all to regroup for a photo after breakfast.

            Both my mother and Anne’s thought it would be nice if we got into our wedding clothes again, but everyone else agreed that this was a bit creepy, so the photo I was looking at was a late-day assembly of heavy-lidded relatives with Anne and I, looking game, but also nauseous, together in the middle. Her family was on the right, mine was on the left. We were the bridge.  

Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

            Growing up, each summer us Haddons used to pack up our blue station wagon and head off to Poole-in-Dorset, where we spent about two weeks “sunbathing” beneath overcast skies and snacking on watermelon-cheese cubes concocted by a middle aged widow named Penny Hamilton who used to rent the house right next to ours.

Cut from "I am having so much fun here without you"

 “Exactly. I heard you had a show recently, too?”

            I tossed the crumpled pastry bag towards one of the useless blue trash bags the city had put into place after 9/11. With no guard around it, it shifted in the wind, turning its back on my wad of paper, which went careening to the ground.

            “Yeah, but it wasn’t a big deal, really. Actually, I have to go see about it now. Something’s sold, I guess, and—”

            “I get it,” said Patrick, slipping back on his helmet. “You were always a busy man. It’d be great to really catch up, though, hear more about what you’re up to. We could go for a coffee, or hell, our kids could have a playdate?”

            I smiled at him, weakly. “Seriously?”

            He shrugged. “If someone approached you saying, ‘Lead me to the music’ how would you respond?”

            I blinked. He blinked back at me. He shrugged. “It’s from my show.”

            “Oh,” I said, pushing a laugh out. “Cool.”

            “Okay, buddy,” he said, starting his scooter. “I’m gonna shove off, but I really would love to hear from you.”

            “Will do,” I said, watching him circle around me and ease his scooter to the pavement.

            And off he went. Godamn Patrick Madsen who was so generous and wholehearted I couldn’t even hate him and his rip-off show. Back at RISD, he’d majored in kinetic animation—for his sophomore evaluation, he’d imbued the heads of four taxidermied boars with recordings from the film version of “Roe vs. Wade” that were only activated when a woman walked past. For his thesis show, he wired and grooved a series of his German grandfather’s photographs from the Second World War so that they could actually be played on a record player. The sounds that came out of the photographs were terrifying, scratched. He won a grant award for that, which he used to study robotics and engineering in Osaka, Japan. And now he was doing performance art. If I hadn’t felt like enough of a hack for making a sell-out show of accessible oil paintings (scenes viewed through doorways? Jesus.) I certainly did, now.   

Lost paragraph from a memoir, maybe

For decades, on a daily basis I have squired myself off to some poorly insulated corner to “write,” an act that—with very few exceptions—has been requested of me by no one. Think about this for a moment, think about the phantasmagorical levels of delusion it takes to be a writer, or any creative person, really, who thinks they have a “gift.” In spite of the endless form letters and form e-mails and returned manuscripts and unreturned phone calls that signify yet another rejection, we keep on going with these stories and these novels and these long-form essays and (god help us), poetry because we tell ourselves that someone, somewhere cares whether we write.